Smoking Loon Cabernet Sauvignon 2005

Date: 03JAN08

Name: Smoking Loon

Label:

Winery: Smoking Loon

Region: California

Website: smokingloon.com

Varietal: Cabernet Sauvignon

Vintage: 2005

Price: ~$7

Appearance: Dark, nearly purple with a hint of magneta on the edge; full- to medium-bodied and very clear.

Nose: Caramel, spice and blackberry.

Taste: For the first time I seem to taste toast, maybe a smidgen of tobacco, a little oak, and then some fruit which I would guess is blackberry. Nice richness and a pleasant complexity I wasn’t expecting. Everything is in balance, and the finish is pleasant and of medium length. Certainly a wine I enjoyed and look forward to having again.

Tellings: This is another wine that was recommended to me, and I must say that it’s appealing, and especially so for the price. Absent is that “hot” burn that some of the cheaper wines I’ve had leave me with; this speaks to the wine’s nice balance. I sampled this wine and then jotted my notes down before looking at any other reviews, but did notice that of the reviews I read, no others mentioned caramel as a component of the nose. It’s very clearly there for me when I ”nose” this wine. I’ll revisit this Smoking Loon again tonight and give it another sniff to confirm.

I’m still working on reading and researching wine and vinification, and still plan on writing a longer critique coming up that will focus on a select slice of the wine world and discuss it in modest detail, but I haven’t yet devoted the required time for the task. Which leads me to a ramble…

…there’s just not enough time in the day to do the things you want to do. There’s the job, and right there is a big chunk of your 16-or-so waking hours. Let’s call it eight hours, though I’m more fortunate than some since I have a schedule that I can set however my clients and I like. For easy math, though, let’s say your job takes eight hours each weekday.

If you have children, you want to spend time with them. Either my wife or I pick our child up from preschool anywhere from 3:30 to 4:30 Monday through Friday, and have about a 15 minute drive to our house. From then until our child goes to bed, our time is nearly 100% devoted to her. I think this will change as she gets older and starts spending more time in self-directed activities such as homework, though there will very likely be more time on our part driving her to various activities. At not quite yet four years of age, those soccer mom days have not yet arrived. We try – very unsuccessfully, I might add – to get our daughter to bed at around 6:30 to 7:00, but it’s nearly impossible, so I’ll say that by 8:00 on most days she’s sleeping. So from 4:00 to 8:00 we’ve invested time in a wonderful way, but have used up another four hours. That’s leaves another four hours to do with as you please. This is simply not enough.

As a University of Kansas basketball fan, gamedays set me back at least two hours. Surfing the Internet and writing blogs and other such nonsense takes up another hour or so. I like to read – aim for 100 pages a day in whatever combination of books I’m reading – and this takes a few hours, at least. I try to practice piano some each day. At least 30 minutes to an hour, maybe three days a week. There’s marital duties – and not just the one that springs to mind – that must be attended to. There’s simply spending time with the spouse; they need to talk about their day just as much as I do. And when can you find the 45-60 minutes it takes to prepare for, take, and then shower after a 30-minute walk?*

*Note: I live in San Antonio, and down here you’re covered with sweat if you merely walk from your house to the car in the summer. There’s a reason that San Antonio and Houston consistently rank among the fattest cities: you try walking down here in oppressive heat and freakish humidity. It’s often just not worth it, if not outright dangerous. 

There’s more, too. If you have varied hobbies, the time crunch can really hit hard. Learning a new language, learning about wine, painting, fixing old cars…these things take time and if you have a family, try to read, try to do everything you want to do…forget it.

It’s a sad revelation to me that I must choose to do a smaller handful of things than I would if given unlimited time. This is an obvious point, as I’m sure every living person over about two hours of age has longed for more hours in the day. Yet I’m talking about being able to do diverse things, rather than more of the same. With the internet and the massive ubiquity of information it facilitates there’s just so much access to ever-specialized interests, hobbies and pastimes that everything seems doable, attainable and within your grasp, if you only have the time. Therein lies the rub.

You only need to spend five minutes a day flossing your teeth. Only “30″ minutes a day walking. Twenty minutes for crunches to tone that belly, and stretches to keep you young and limber. Only thirty minutes a day practicing Swahili verb conjugations. A quick half hour on the piano, maybe another half hour on the guitar. This meal can be whipped up in just thirty minutes. Who’s doing the math? Who’s fooling who?

While it’s becoming ever easier to be a generalist, now more than ever you must be a specialist to succeed. It’s fun and exciting to do a bit of everything, but everything is just too much. It’s odd that at 38 years of age I still haven’t whittled down to the tasks I can stick with; now it’s photography I’m into, now it’s exercise, now it’s Russian literature. I find it hard to pick something and stay with it. I’m quickly realizing this is not the best method of time management.

For the record I didn’t time how long it took to write this Critique. Life’s too short and there’s too many things to do to spend brain power or even more of that precious commodity to time everything and take the soul right out of living. So until I figure out a way to manufacture more time than I currently have, I’ll continue to ramble about my lack thereof. Hey, it beats sitting around doing nothing. Who has time for that?

Archetype 2004 Barossa

Date: 28DEC07

Name: Archetype 2004

Label:

Winery: Archetype Vineyards (Diageo Chateau and Estate Wines)

Region: Barossa – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barossa_Valley

Website: unkown

Varietal: Cabernet Sauvignon and Shiraz

Vintage: 2004

Price: ~$15

Appearance: Dark, medium-bodied with very defined rivulets, and clear.

Nose: Faint must, earth and blackberry.

Taste: Sweet at first, with well-balanced tannins on the mid-palate, and a smooth, medium-length finish. Coats the mouth well. Very nice.

Tellings: This is the first wine I tried upon my return back home from my Dallas trip, and the first of a few wines I will critique that were recommended to me. As enjoyable as the trip was, it’s always nice to be home again, in familiar confines, and I noted that things were just as I left them; this is a relief because several years ago while vacationing in Las Vegas we were informed that our house had been burglarized. Thankfully the only thing stolen was a cheap guitar I had been banging away on. This pointed the fingers at some neighborhood kids, but I don’t think we even bothered to alert the police. It could have been much worse.

Columbia Crest Grand Estates Merlot 2004

Date: 25DEC07

Name: Columbia Crest

Label:

Winery: Columbia Valley

Region: Washington State, Horse Heaven Hills (which contributes texture and body) and the Wahluke Slope (for aromatics and complexity.)

Website: http://columbia-crest.com/2005_Grand_Estates_Merlot.cfm

Varietal: 94% Merlot, 5% Cabernet Sauvignon, 1% Cabernet Franc 

Vintage: 2004

Price: not known

Appearance: Dark purple, medium-bodied and clear.

Nose: An explosive, soft cherry nose.

Taste: Slightly jammy, light tannins, smooth, with a medium-length finish. Coats the mouth completely. Very good wine.

Tellings: This is the other red wine I had while at my first stop in Dallas. Again the paucity of notes is due to the situation and amount of wine I had drank by this point. I’m a lightweight, plain and simple. Anything over a few glasses and my judgment, not to mention my ability to smell or taste, become much worse for the wear.

Schmitt Sohne Piesporter Michelsberg Auslese 2001

Date: 25DEC07

Name: Schmitt Sohne Piesporter Michelsberg Auslese 2001

Label:

Winery: Piesporter Michelsberg

Region: Mosel-Saar-Ruwer

Website: http://www.schmitt-soehne.com/mainframe.asp?lang=de&e1=617

Varietal: Auslese

Vintage: 2001

Price: not known

Appearance: Pale gold to almost clear when held a different angle. A frankly beautiful color.

 Nose: Sharply mineral, evocative of an oil rag in a mechanic’s shop. Very pleasant, though.

Taste: Sweet, honey, with a hint of apricot. I would describe the taste as almost cloying.

Tellings: This is my first white wine to be critiqued, and the second I tasted while in Dallas. This was a delicious wine; I could drink many, many glasses of this and not bat an eyelash until I simply slumped over and slept it off. It was odd to me to get such an oily, mineral nose and then be greeted by such a sweet taste.

I found the label of this German wine very confusing when I tried to sort out the various components to write this Critique. Ever fond of research I came across this website -http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/walter/wine/germany.html - which does a great job of explaining the German system of wines in a clear, easy-to-read manner. Heady stuff, that.

 I will also use the Tellings portion of this Critique to share my notes on a dessert wine I tried at the same sitting, a Muscat Ganelli 2005 from Rosemblum Cellars. The only notes I could muster was that it was very light-colored in appearance – lighter still than the Schmitt Sohne – and, being a dessert wine, very sweet. My wife liked it, and she is no wine drinker.

2003 Jacob’s Creek Shiraz Reserve

Date: 25DEC07

Name: Jacob’s Creek

Label:

Winery: Jacob’s Creek

Region: South Australia

Website: http://www.jacobscreek.com/

Varietal: Shiraz

Vintage: 2003

Price: not known

Appearance: Dark, with rose on the rim. Full-bodied and clear.

 Nose: Plum, dark cherry, with a hint of spice.

Taste: Firm tannins, medium finish. Very good.

Tellings: I had this and several other wines while in Dallas visiting in-laws. My notes are sparse, don’t exist for at least two wines, and don’t convey the full experience with the wines. While I did scurry off to write down some quick notes, these “vacation” critiques will be incomplete as much for the situation as for the effect of several glasses of wine.

My wife has two sisters and three brothers, located in Houston, Dallas, St. Louis and Virginia. My sister-in-law and her betrothed live in a mature tree-filled neighborhood off of Preston Road, one of the Dallas Metroplex’s most venerable and cosmopolitan avenues, stretching north/south “from the Turtle Creek/Oak Lawn area through Highland Park, North Dallas, Plano, and beyond.” A nice history of Preston Road can be found here: http://gilglover.com/Dview2a.htm.

Their house is a mid 70’s-model and typical of both the area and the era, with large second and third bedrooms and a step-down living room. Almost in complete contradistinction to our house, theirs is warm and inviting, from the cozy, self-painted walls to the beautiful floating flower-centerpiece in the guest bathroom. They both have a wonderfully cultivated sense of decorating and arranging and their house speaks to that. Sharing the house during the week was my sister-in-law from St. Louis and her boyfriend, both medical doctors.

Unbeknownst to me my sister-in-law’s fiance is quite a wine connoisseur. They had recently returned from a trip to Napa Valley and Sonoma where they toured several vineyards, and have also traveled to Italy where I understand wine played a large role. Though there are plans to have a permanent, temperature and humidity controlled wine storage area, the makeshift wine rack in the living room had some fine wines, some of which could only be purchased from the country of origin. He generously poured four wines from his collection, two reds, a white and a Muscat desert wine.

He’s also a coffee connoisseur and though I’m not a coffee drinker, I do look forward to whatever he’s roasting because it’s always fantastic. Both of my wife’s sisters recently took a trip to Costa Rica and brought back some of the local coffee beans and that was my first introduction to a quality cup of coffee. I’m still wrestling with the idea of getting a grinder and maker myself, but can’t quite pull the trigger as I don’t drink for the caffeine boost, and don’t want to become addicted to it, but do enjoy the taste. Maybe I’ll continue to mooch off of him!

The next two wines I tried were at my brother-in-law’s house, a few miles north on Preston Road. In a beautiful stucco house they built in a fine neighborhood at the intersection of Preston and Parker they hosted a large group for supper, which included my mother-in-law and her boyfriend and the entire sibling group. My brother-in-law’s wife, arguably the doyenne of the group, treated us to appetizers of spiced meats wrapped around a cheese-based spread and a fine cut of asparagus – delectable – steak and pork tenderloins, salad, mashed potatoes, varied desserts and, I must admit, a couple of other dishes I can’t remember – it’s that wine, again – but everything was very, very good. We had supper, played Wii tennis and baseball – must…buy…Wii –  and talked intermittently throughout the night. We had a wonderful time. Sadly, I was not able to take notes on and frankly don’t remember which wines I had while there, but both were better than any I’ve purchased and drank myself. We were treated to the guitar stylings of one of their twin children (names withheld). Though I understand both can play very well, one is less-bashful and can really make his guitar sing. He’s even teaching his dad a few licks! They both destroyed me at Wii. Not funny, BTW.

Of note is that we tried a Vinturi wine aerator on the wines: http://www.vinturi.com/venturi1.html. The Vinturi is designed to decant a wine in a hurry. We tried the Jacob’s Creek wine freshly opened and before the Vinturi, and then after using the Vinturi. I was the only one that could not taste the difference. All around everyone reported a distinct difference in the taste, a more “open” nose to the wine. I would defer to them, or better yet, buy a Vinturi and try it for yourself. I am going to get one and will try the experiment again with a side-by-side tasting.

We left San Antonio about noon on Monday, and returned at about 3:30 on Friday. We really enjoyed the trip – especially our daughter Penny, still excited by all the attention - and will host my sister-in-law and her wine-connoisseur fiance today (Saturday) as his brother is playing in the Alamo Bowl football game.

Danzante Sangiovese – 1998

Date: 23DEC07

Name: Danzante Sangiovese

Label:

Winery: Marchesi de Frescobaldi (see below)

 Region: Marches. Interesting website here: http://www.wine-searcher.com/regions/marches+%5Bmarche%5D/1

Website: http://www.danzantewines.com/index.html

Varietal: Sangiovese

Vintage: 1998

Price: not known

Preface: none

Appearance: Unique among the wines I’ve tried so far, this Sangiovese had a very brown, summer tea-colored appearance. Medium-bodied and clear.

Nose: Following the brownish color, I caught an earthy, peaty nose, with faint hints of some undefined floral. I don’t believe this indicated a corked bottle, but the same nose that I first encountered with the Il Bastardo wine made an encore here, though to a much lesser degree. As both were Sangiovese varietals, maybe this is part and parcel of that particular grape; my reading doesn’t mention this particular odor as a common component of the Sangiovese, so there’s a small chance that this wine was very slightly corked.

Taste: Very smooth, mild, yet well-composed tannins on the mid-palate, but had a very short finish with not much complexity.

Tellings: This wine was quaffed at my parents’ house while the family gathered for an early Christamas celebration before we headed to Dallas to visit my inlaws. My father has maybe 10-20 wines of generally older vintages arranged among two wine racks in his dining room. He allowed me to root through and pick a proper bottle for the occasion. Not being anything close to a foodie, and not yet able to match wine with food, I just picked a bottle with a varietal I’ve had some luck with and the cork came out.

For dinner my mother made chicken cordon bleu, mixed vegetables with cheese, a cheese-based rice dish and some nice bread with both chocolate chip and fruit cookies for dessert. Delicious, filling and a nice send off for the trip to Dallas which we would begin the next morning.

There’s an interesting story behind the Marchesi de Frescobaldi winery and family at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frescobaldi.

Casillero del Diablo – Carmenere – 2006

Date: 20DEC07

Name: Casillero del Diablo

Label:

Winery: Concha Y Toro S.A.

Website: www.casillerodeldiable.com

Varietal: Carmenere – Rapel Valley – Chile

Vintage: 2006

Price: $8.99

Preface: none

Appearance: Dark purple, with brick red appearing only along the rim. Medium to full bodied, with quite a bit of what I would call sediment; I pulled the cork cleanly, so I don’t think it’s bits of cork floating around. The bottle sat after being opened for about 45 minutes.

Nose: Overwhelming nose of alcohol, with some hint of being corked present. I’ll reiterate that the nose is very hot, and I’m anticipating a substantial burn when I take my first sip. There’s some pepper coming through – hot pepper, not really what I would call spice, and a note of caramel. The bottle label claims “chocolate, coffee and spice…raspberries and blackberries.” I have to report I’m getting none of these, perhaps because the aroma of alcohol is drowning everything else out. I’ll try the same experiment I tried with the Los Cardos (take a whiff of the glass a few hours after I finish the wine, when the nose is more concentrated) and see if any of the claimed elements appear in the nose.

Taste: I will take a pass on this wine. Harsh tannins, very sour, bitter finish, nothing to recommend. To me this is not a drinkable wine. Very dry, with no balancing elements apparent. If I scored these wines, this would get the lowest score of any wine I’ve yet had, which would put it above even the Citra, which I wasn’t too fond of.

Tellings: The website for this Casillero del Diablo (Cellar of the Devil) at http://www.conchaytorousa.com/wines/diablo.html says that the varietal mix is 85% Carmenere, 10% Cabernet Sauvignon and 5% Syrah. The website also claims that this is a legendary wine, though not because of the taste. To keep the vineyard workers from sampling the wine, the vineyard founder, Don Melchor, started a rumor that the deepest and darkest of his cellars was the devil’s own cellar. It worked, according to the legend. It might have been the taste that kept the pilfering workers away, though.

I’m completely open to the idea that maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe this is actually a quite good wine that just isn’t suited to my palate. Perhaps in a few years I’ll be able to discern the fine qualities of this wine. Until then I’ll just call it like I see it; to that end, the sips I’m taking while writing aren’t nearly so bad. Maybe the comical bracing I do before each sip has something to do with that?

Searching the internet for reviews of this wine led me to unanimously positive reviews, with only a few hints of the “it’ll be great in a few years” type of faint praise. The reviewers mostly echoed the bottle copy and the website by discerning the same aromas in the nose as those listed, so I’m ostensibly the odd man out. I’m happy with that lot, but if my tastes and experience change, and maybe one because of the other, I’m happy with that, too.

Thank goodness for wives. My wife yet again is doing virtually all of the Christmas shopping for the family, which keeps me in good stead with friends and family. If left to my own devices, I’d barely remember it was Christmas at all. She does the planning, the shopping, the buying and, thankfully, the thank you cards afterwards. Thank goodness for wives.

Los Cardos – Malbec – 2006

Date: 14DEC07

Name: Los Cardos

Label:

http://www.thewinebuyer.com/labels/P43105.gif

Winery: Vina Dona Paula

Website: www.donapaula.com.ar

Varietal: Malbec

Vintage: 2006

Price: $7.99

Preface: none

Appearance: Darkish red, with rose showing through, medium-bodied, but tending toward dull as I noticed several bits of flotsam and jetsam. This is the first wine where I could detect any impurities in the appearance.

Nose: A strong alcohol smell is the first thing that comes to mind, then maybe a sharp spice smell. Faint florals and whoa! I just sniffed the now empty glass and out came caramel, butter, candied apples, butterscotch. This is very strange, yet delicious. Markedly different than the nose of the full glass. Reminds me of eating butterscotch candies. This has me wondering if my untrained nose simply could not detect these aromas with everything else happening around it? Maybe the initial smell of alcohol was too up front and drowned everything else out? Again, this is very interesting and I’ll have to try this experiment again with my next wine. Fascinating.

Taste: Smooth, though not comparable to the Pepi last tasted. Slightly sweet, some tannins, with a good, long, crisp finish. Not bad. Not well balanced, however, as the burn from the alcohol is very pronounced and not integrated with the other flavors.

Tellings: Some housekeeping notes are in order. I’ve added the heading Label, Winery and Website and removed the Copy heading, as it is easily read by surfing to the linked site. I feel a visual picture of the label is more enticing than my hit-and-miss descriptions.

Also, since this Critique follows on the heels of yesterday’s, I didn’t have time to do a satisfactory amount of reading/research on the “nose” portion of my education, so I’ll highlight that aspect of wine tasting in my next Critique.

I bought three more bottles of wine today, bringing my total number of ready-to-drink bottles to seven. Drawn again to World Market, I spent some time thoughtfully reading labels and then talking at length with the employee in charge of the wine section, Edward. I had two bottles ready to go but he enthusiastically convinced me to switch to another two, and added a third, matching the number I originally intended to buy. I won’t mention what I picked up as I’ll review them down the road, but I will mention what I didn’t pick up, namely, two bottles of red wine vinified in Texas. Brimming – bursting! – with Lone Star State patriotism I selected a merlot and a cabernet sauvignon, but Ed’s quick and adjudged honest opinion of my choices – not flattering – convinced me that Texas’ day in the sun would have to wait. I’ll try them at some point, and like the idea of traveling to the vineyard to see how the wine is made.

Pepi – Sangiovese – 2004

Date: 13DEC07

Name: Pepi

Varietal: Sangiovese

Vintage: not known, likely 2004

Copy: not known

Price: $6.75 per glass

Preface: I tried a single glass of this wine at lunch today.

Appearance: Gorgeous, lush, deep cherry red that simply glowed. Instead of being relegated to the penumbra and seen only as a sad little strip, the color of this Pepi was eye-catching from the crimson middle to the bright edge. I tilted my glass at various angles, playing the liquid against the overhead restaurant light through to the table below, and studied the beautifully mesmerizing patterns of dazzling, spidery light that shone through, here forming a brilliant, interconnected web, there gathering in a golden orb of shimmering movement. Clear and medium-bodied this is the prettiest wine I’ve ever seen – I was astounded.

In my reading I’ve picked up a little bit about what to look for in a wine’s appearance, and what the appearance might say about how the wine might taste. I’ll relate a little of that here, and perhaps expand on it in my next Critique. Most of the information below I have quite liberally quoted or paraphrased from www.bacchuswinecellars.com and www.winepros.org.

The visual attributes of a wine can be judged on the basis of its appearance, its color and its body.

A wine’s appearance can be brilliant – which denotes a wine with sparkling clarity, – merely clear – lacking that same sparkle, – dull, which comes with a slight cloudiness and some floating particles and finally cloudy, which dutifully describes the sad state of a wine that does not reflect any light at all. Completely clear is the norm for well-made wine, and some sediment in mature reds is ok, but should be allowed to settle to the bottom of the glass before serving, and should not otherwise give the wine a cloudy appearance.

Color in a red wine runs from brickish red and nearly transparent (may be older, mellow) to deep opaque bluish-purple (expect young, brash, tannic), with some mahogany and amber thrown in for good measure. Clues as to the grape varietal identity and the age of wine can be revealed by its hue and transparency or opacity.

A wine’s body refers to the substance of a wine. To me this is a little abstract – I mean, just what is substance? More concretely, you can make some solid observations about a wine’s body by swirling the wine around in your glass, and then observing how the wine flows down the sides of the glass. A full-bodied wine will flow down in heavy, thick sheets. A medium-bodied wine will break into rivulets or “legs,” and a light-bodied wine will not cling to the sides of the glass at all as it flows back down into the glass.

Nose: Back to amateur hour, but I’m going to gush over this Pepi Sangiovese once again. What an incredibly delicious burst of cherry, fruit and plum. I’ve already used ‘delicious’ but I’m going to use it again: this glass of wine smelled so delicious that I couldn’t stop swirling and smelling. There was no portent of astringency, no hint of future tannic attack, only smooth cherry that wafted in a rich envelope from the bowl (correct term?) of my stemware. My wife – not! a wine drinker – loved the smell, as well. A last superlative: best wine I’ve “nosed” yet.

Taste: I want to do justice to this portion of the Critique, but I’m unable due to not having the wine with me as I type so I can sip and think and write, and even if I did, I still lack the vocabulary to fool anyone into thinking I know what I’m talking about. Given that excuse, I will report that this wine was fruity, semi-sweet, had the best, cleanest finish I’ve encountered and, overall, was the best tasting wine I’ve ever had the pleasure to drink. It’s delicious, folks. I will be looking this wine up at World Market or even online because even as a self-styled non-wine drinker, this stuff is really good. I’m looking forward to finding more wines like this and since this is still at the low end of the $$$ range, I hopefully have a lot to look forward to.

Tellings: First things first: my wife and I will be getting iPhones. Groggily emerging from the rock I’ve been living under and witnessing a coworker use one of these things, and then going to the Apple Store and playing with one like its never been played with before – I’m hooked, so is my wife, and so we will be getting iPhones. Way cool devices.

Some housekeeping: I’ve added the heading Varietal and, when appropriate, Preface. Not including the heading Varietal from the start is another one of those things that is embarrassing to me as it should have been clear, even to a neophyte, that wines are produced using different varieties of grapes. As this changes the appearance, nose, taste – everything that makes a wine what it is – it’s essential for a reader to know the varietal in question. Preface is merely any tidbit of information that a reader might need before reading the Critique to make sense of what is to come. Knowing that I tasted – loved! – the Pepi Sangiovese in a restaurant makes it easier to follow along.

For lunch my wife and I ate at the Kona Grill located in the Shops at La Cantera mall. When in San Antonio, please visit this fresh and uniquely designed, water-feature laden, outdoor mall nestled in the South Texas Hill Country and below the sprawling La Cantera resort, alongside West Loop 1604,just south of I-10. Featuring a fusion of – hell, I don’t know, probably Asian and some other ethnic cuisine* – Kona Grill offers a semi-intimate atmosphere, good if not great service, above-average to fairly-priced dishes and a wine list featuring a must-taste Sangiovese by Robert Pepi Vineyards. I enjoyed a Thai Peanut Chicken Pasta dish that was spicy and more nuanced as I made my way to the bottom of the dish where I found less peanut and more pepper and onion, and my wife devoured Kona’s signature dish, a “Macadamia Nut Chicken served with shoyu-cream sauce, pineapple-papaya marmalade, white cheddar mashed potatoes and wok tossed vegetables.” I tried a bite and though the cheddar was way up front, it tasted good. Just like I’m no wine connoisseur – yet! – I’m likewise no food critic. Our server was a bit garrulous but the resulting palaver was made enjoyable because she was very easy on the eyes. My wife agreed with me on this point. Water for her, wine for me, total pre-tip damage: $31. We’ll surely eat there again, if only to ogle the immense aquarium and its showboaty puffer fish.

*Their website claims they serve American food, but what do they know?

On a sadder note, Kona Grill is situated next to a Sleep Number by Select Comfort bed store. As usual the sales clerks listlessly looked up as we strode by, their lonely eyes searching ours, imploring us to stop by and just visit, just talk!, just provide human contact. Such sadscapes – dare I coin a word? – by mall employees usually filter down to the parent company’s stock price. Select Comfort (SCSS), I’m looking at you. SCSS will be making an appearance in the Capital Loss column of next year’s tax return, thank you very much. Folks, stop in, say hi, check out a Sleep Number bed. We have one, we bought our daughter one, and we think they’re great. If you don’t like it, fine! Merely adjust the firmness and it’s a new bed! What else can you ask for?

Penny Lane – Merlot

Date: 12DEC07

Name: Penny Lane – Merlot

Vintage: 2005

Copy: The PENNY LANE experience…Black Light Merlot is smooth and velvety with complex dark fruit flavors that glow with every sip.

Price: $10

Appearance: Still uninformed of the inherent differences in the different types of wines, and the typical characteristics of each region, grape, style, etc., I am unable to draw many meaningful comparisons between this Merlot and the previous Cabernet Sauvignon. I can say this Merlot appears darker than I remembered the Cabernet being – is this typical of the differences between Cabernets and Merlots? I cheated again and read a bit more of the Windows on the World book and learned that the lighter a red wine is, the “better” it is. I must report that this Penny Lane Merlot was quite dark. How much that darkness translates into taste differences in the end analysis is something I’ll learn with experience.

Nose: Bright and fruity; sharply alcoholic if you deem to stick your smeller deep into the bowl of your glass.

Taste: Here, on only my fifth bottle of wine, I believe that I’ve developed a taste for one type of wine over another, and in this early part of the race Merlot is looking like a champ. Though I’m writing this Critique on the third glass, and even though the taste here at the third is markedly different – and worse for the delay – than the first glass, I find a fruity and refreshing taste greeting me after the fruity nose prepares me for the same. As the wine is swallowed there is a fleeting feeling of constriction that wine tends to give me, but this disappears soon enough. The finish, then, is what I would call clean. This is a drinkable wine; more so, I would say, than the Penny Lane Cabernet Sauvignon.

Tellings: This is the last wine that I will review as an abject dilettante. With an eye toward (shamelessly) regurgitating the information, I will have read something on the subject by my next review. My plan as of now is to read up on one aspect of wine tasting – appearance, nose, etc. – per review, and talk a bit about that aspect on that review. Gradually, then, I’ll come about to a passably-informed Critique somewhere down the road, where I can apply all of my knowledge in one fell swoop. If it’s not a garbled mush, then I’ll be pleased.

After reading a bit more of the Windows on the World book, it dawned on me that I’ve been to the restaurant of which the book is named. Once located on the top of the World Trade Center, with beautifully commanding views of New York sprawling toward the horizon viewable from many of the tables, Windows on the World was, I believe, a top restaurant. I happened to be there on behalf of Dean Witter, shortly before they merged with Morgan Stanley. We were fed impossibly then slices of cold salmon with some unremembered sauce and some other unmemorable “fixins.” I do remember that it tasted good, and I do remember feeling pretty feted to be eating there, though at the time I knew nothing of the history or reputation of the restaurant. I connected the book and the restaurant and my memory of the latter together while reading the eponymous book and learning that the – the what, the owner? the sommelier? – considered Windows on the World his home. I’ll confirm when I finally get the book.

For those with a World Market store nearby, check out their prices on wine. As I bitched about above my monopolistic grocery store chain HEB was out-and-out raping me on wine prices. I didn’t know any better but on a hunch and a lark – the combination is nearly always serendipitous – I moseyed on in and lo! and behold found not only a great, whimsically arranged selection, but also prices nearly half as much as HEB was trying to coerce out of me. So I don’t foresee myself ever buying wine at HEB again. World Market has great chocolates, a neat and varied if not huge wine selection, and furniture, to boot. Beat that, Mr. Butt.

Penny Lane – Cabernet Sauvignon

Date: 05DEC07

Name: Penny Lane – Cabernet Sauvignon

Vintage: 2004

Copy: The PENNY LANE experience…Tie Dye Cabernet is big and bold, with luscious fruit, spice and a lasting finish of peace and love.

Price: $10

Appearance: A little rosier than the others, a little pinker. The penumbra of color in this Penny Lane cabernet is a bit larger than what I’ve seen so far. This is likely an artifact of my unlearned method of gauging such things.

Nose: There’s a rich nose, an aroma that I want to call tannin-like, though I don’t know why. It evokes concentrated grape juice, with a little of the same smell that Il Bastardo has, though not as strong. It’s a smoother nose, more refined perhaps. Very pleasant and compelling. Here I wish I had the vocabulary to communicate the complex interplay of odors this wine has; alas, each component escapes their telling in this story. I’ll know you soon enough!

Taste: Pleasant. Not too dry, fruity, even bordering on a grape juice-like taste, but not nearly as sweet. The finish has a taste that reminds me of the flavors your mouth might register about ten minutes after finishing a grape-flavored candy. After typing that sentence it’s clear that the finish, that lingering aftertaste, is sweeter than the initial moments after quaffing a mouthful. Like the Cheshire Cat leaving last a smile, this Penny Lane leaves a sweet aftertaste that draws one back for another glass.

Tellings: Penny Lane may be an eclectic name for a wine, but it’s the perfect name for my daughter. Named after both my mother, Penny Leigh, and the eponymous Beatles song, Penny Laine tasted the wine named after herself. Don’t get into an uproar…less than a half a thimble passed her lips and she reacted exactly as I suspected she would: a retching “how could you drink this crap”-look overtook her and the “Daddy, can I have a drink?” problem has been staved off for at least a year or so.

True to the Tie Dye copy this bottle, and the Penny Lane merlot waiting its turn, are brightly colored, evocative of Haight-Ashbury, and jumped out from all the other me-too bottles at my local winery (read: HEB supermarket). Warm splashes of color on the top of the lable, cool blues and whites on the bottom, and bifurcated by a bright-yellow strip with black print giving the name Penny Lane. The bottle itself appears to be of a greenish hue; I have not noticed this in the other bottles.

I have also decided that the best time to write a Critique about a wine is after – or while – drinking the first glass. My little bit of reading – cheating! – helped me to learn that a bottle of wine keeps for only a few days, after which oxygen degrades the flavor. True to form the Il Bastardo wine did change from the first few drinks to the last. So, this Critique follows on the heels of the last one.

Il Bastardo – Sangiovese

Date: 04DEC07

Name: Il Bastardo – Sangiovese

Vintage: 2006

Copy: This Sangiovese from Tuscany is produced at the Il Bastardo winery east of Firenze and is Rich, Fat and Luscious!

Price: $7

Appearance: The reddest of the three so far, even verging on vermillion, but again only at the edges. I did read a snippet in the Windows on the World book mentioned above about the proper way to assess a wine’s color, but I frantically kept it from becoming a memory lest the purity of my first few reviews be tainted.

Nose: Holy cow! Animal. Rot. Putrid. Those images hit you first, during the first milliseconds of the sniff, your nose deep down into your stemware. Then wafts the alcohol, then the berries. Your mind has no room for these more conventional aromas, though, because you instinctively need to cycle around and investigate the first molecules that punched you in the nose with a big, fat stinky fist. Then it hits you: it’s alluring. Why? Why does something that’s so evocative of earthly compost make you want to taste it?

At first I was hesitant to drink this wine. Though as we’ll see it turns out to be delicious my first thought was that my bottle was tainted. Spoiled. Rotten. Unfit. The smell could mean nothing else. It truly smelled (smelt?) of an earthly, decaying animal. I’m sure there is a word for this smell – I’m insouciantly unaware of it. It might be a trademark of the type of grape used in this wine. Weirdly, the smell works in tandem with the taste to deliver a quite satisfying refreshment…

Taste: Best wine I’ve had to date. At $7 a pop, no less. Thankfully it tastes nothing like it smells – but the smell does linger – and the mix is quixotically desirable. There was no overly powerful alcohol taste, which I believe means that this wine is therefore not “dry”; that is, the sugar content is higher than some other wines. I could be way off base here, but that’s my interpretation. Smoother than anything I’ve had before, this hearty, full wine seems to cry out its affinity for heavy, red meat. Give me broiled lamb! Give me thick, marbled steak! Cast away your chicken, your fish! Bring me venison! I can say with confidence that I will drink this wine again.

Tellings: Anyone paying attention will know immediately that once I saw a wine named “The Bastard” that it would find a way into my HEB shopping cart, on to the defiant portion of my counter that’s doing double duty as my wine cellar, and then straight to my belly – pronounced bell-aye. As an aside HEB comprises the initials of a one Howard E. Butt, owner of surely the most monopolistic grocery chain this galaxy has ever known. There are simply no other mainline grocery stores in San Antonio. You might find niche markets like Sun Harvest, but that’s it. Kroger: ran out of town. Albertson’s: didn’t stand a chance. With sickening pervasiveness and self-aggrandizement HEB trumpets its lies: low prices! best prices! we’re the best! I know better, since I’ve seen competition in action, in places like Dallas, Houston, Austin. You know, four corners and three grocery stores? You find low prices in that arrangement, and you don’t care so much that each store lives on margins so razor thin you’d rather buy them than cough up the $26 for the five-bladed monster Gillette is trying to slice and dice you with (best shave ever, btw).

Anyway, see The Bastard, buy The Bastard. There’s no way around it. The label shows a jolly, fat man, dark-brown close-cropped hair finishing up in a sharply-pointed crow’s peak, too-short, thin green tie against a yellow shirt, the collars buckling under the folds of neck fat. His mauve, or purple, jacket and pants don’t even seem close to fitting him comfortably. He’s sitting on a chair – overpowering a chair! – thick, rotund legs tucked under, feet splayed out to accommodate the girth of the legs. In his right hand he so delicately – jolly! – holds a glass of wine, verily pinches it with his fingers at the stem. Above the five-o-clock shadow on his ample, jocular chin rests a mouth entirely too small, too pensive, a margin-thin mustache, going up further a sharp, aquiline nose and eyes spaced quite oddly far apart, each apparently finding a different object to focus on at the moment. The Jolly Bastard sits on his padded, wood chair – he’s going to crush it! – in the middle of a gray, cobblestone street, behind which are brightly-colored Italian village houses set amid bucolic fields of grapes. There are no clouds in the sky.

So goes The Bastard.

Little Penguin – Shiraz

Date: 30NOV07

Name: the Little Penguin – South Eastern Australia – Shiraz

Vintage: 2006

Copy: the Little Penguin, the smallest of penguins, can be found along many parts of South Eastern Australia’s coast. South Eastern Australia is also home to some of the finest vineyards in Australia and is the home of the Little Penguin wines.

the Little Penguin Shiraz is spicy with bold flavours. Pair it with cioppino or red meat dishes.

Little Penguins are very sociable and often gather to forage for delicacies. We invite you to do the same with the great wines from the Little Penguin.

Price: $7

Appearance: Though dark, this wine is slightly redder than the Citra, my inaugural vino. When viewing it – again under artificial light – ever so slight pink, rosy hues fleetingly percolated up. Since I have a red/green color deficiency, an affliction shared by between 5-8% of males (and which I just now learned is called protoanomalous for those weak in red, and deuteranomalous for the green condition), my reporting of the color portion of the Critique must be deprecated slightly. If you’ve seen me dress, you might opt for more deprecation.

Nose: This Little Penguin has a very alcoholic smell. Almost overpowering. As we’ll see below, that doesn’t carry over to the taste, but the smell alone nearly had me tipsy. Since the alcohol smell is so strong I could hardly detect any other aromas, spice being the only one that may or may not be there. I strained so hard to come up with another aroma that might be wafting from my glass that I might have simply conjured up a hint of spice. Alas, another sniff and I can confirm what I would think of as a hint of spice. I might need to learn the scientific term for smell deficient.

Taste: Not nearly as watery as the Citra was. It has a more meaty taste to it. The immediate impression is that this wine is less cheap-tasting than the Citra, though only about a buck more. As mentioned above, there’s not a strong alcoholic taste to this wine, a fact made strange by the abundance of alcohol in the nose. Here, though, is where my utter lack of wine experience, or reading in the wine literature, really starts to show. I am finding it very hard to come up with any other descriptive phrase that would be anything more than pure fabrication. I lack the proper vocabulary. I’ll only add that it’s smoother than was the Citra, and more enjoyable overall. To that end I can say that only on my second bottle I have found a wine that costs only $7, and which I wouldn’t mind drinking more than just this once. I realize I said the same thing about the Citra, but that was just a lie. Straight arrow truth from this cat from here on.

Tellings: I stole some books today. I’m proud of it. Let me explain.

I’m a bibliophile. For ourselves and for our daughter we’re cheerfully and diligently creating a quite large and varied library. Here in San Antonio an organization called Friends of the Library puts on book sales at the various branches, at about a one-to-two-a month pace. These books go from $.25 for children’s books up to $1 for hard back novels. Sometimes they’ll also have a section of books that go for no higher than $3, though this is only about 10% of the entire selection. The main point is that I can get big, beautiful hardbound books – the very same books I’d pay maybe $25 or more for at Barnes and Noble — or practically nothing. To me, that’s thievery. Today, in fact, the Friends treated us to a “Buy Two, Get One Free” sale. I’m surprised I wasn’t arrested on the spot.

My wife and I are becoming regulars in this circle. If a sale starts at 9a, a line will form outside the library at 8:15. We played this game for a while but the imminent jostling and jockeying for position once the starting gates were lowered got to be a bit Neolithic, so we’ve learned to wait until about thirty minutes until after the sale starts before arriving. When we do, we see the same faces over and over. There are those that are there professionally; they carry hand-held UPC readers and race through the shelves wirelessly scanning every book they can grab, hoping for some arbitrage opportunity. These types are usually looked upon disapprovingly by those there for the more salutary goal of finding a good novel to read. These types in turn are mostly older folks ostensibly with plenty of time on their hands to read books. Aside from the mad rush at the start, they are quite pleasant to talk with, but thumbing through the stacks remains the more important task.

Then there’s my wife, my daughter and I. We’re not unique in our age or appearance at these sales, but rare. My wife zips to the children’s section and can come away with forty beautiful children’s picture books for around ten dollars. Thief! I scan the non-fiction section for any math or science books, then head to the fiction section and become the slutty book glutton I’ve always wanted to be. Today’s haul brought home hardcover books by the following authors: James Michener, Ken Follett, Tom Wolfe, John Le Carre, Sue Grafton, Garrison Keillor, Erma Bombeck, Larry Niven, John Irving, Gore Vidal, Herman Wouk, Leon Uris, and Philip Roth to name a few. Twenty-nine books in all. I’ll let you do the math when they’re selling for $1 a book, and you get one free for every two you buy. Stinking thief! Add in the 15-20 books that my wife found for our daughter – she was stuck in school today as this was a Friday sale – and the haul we came away with made us both blush.

I’m a very avid reader. Each day I try to read 100 pages from a book. That’s in addition to the Wall Street Journal (impossible to read all the way through, but I’ll get something from each issue), magazines, work-related reading, and the copious amount of reading I do with my daughter. Even though, I typically end up averaging more than 100 pages a day, over the course of any week-long period. This way, I can get through a 700-page book almost always within a week. For instance, over what I would guess would be the last two or so weeks I’ve read Michener’s memoir The World is My Home, Ken Jennings’ Brainiac, Yann Martel’s Life of Pi, Dan Simmons’ Terror, Jared Diamond’s Pulitzer Prize-winning Guns, Germs and Steel and am in the process of reading Tom Wolfe’s A Man in Full. It was only yesterday that I had that delicious feeling of having just finished a book and getting to go to our library, stand in front of a wall of books, and select what I wanted to read next. I say delicious, and I mean it. My (our) library comprises both books I’ve read and books I haven’t and leisurely leafing through fiction, non-fiction, mysteries, sci-fi – most genres are represented – and picking whichever one suits my fancy is usually a highly satisfying exercise. Tom Wolfe’s A Man In Full is proving to be quite a pick, indeed.

For those here for the wine-related stuff, I will report that the Little Penguin had a faux-cork cork. I remember reading at one point that this was the new trend as the trees from which cork is derived are going the way of the dodo. Can’t say I have any complaints. First, I have basically zero experience with good old cork, except to note that it can crumble and float around in your wine bottle, surely not the preferred method of the sophisticate. Second, the presumably rubber cork worked just fine, went back in easily, and didn’t even crumble.

Also I will report that I broke slightly from my plan and leafed through a wine book while at Barnes and Noble today. Windows on the World, 2008 edition, I think it was. True to my plan, though, is that I didn’t peek for ways to make my Critique less amateurish, but just to blow some time until my family showed up for story time. I figure that I will start my formal training in the enjoyment of wine after I have paid my dues by attempting to write about wine without a single clue through the first five bottles. So critique number six may be a shade more informative. One can only hope.

Citra

Date: 22NOV07

Name: Citra – Montepulciano D’Abruzzo. Imported from Italy. Denominazione Di Origine Controllata.

Vintage: 2005

Copy: A smooth, rich and well-balanced signature red from Italy’s picturesque coastal Abruzzi region. Concentrated berry flavors compliment the lush ruby color and appealing nose, characteristic of the Montepulciano (MON-tuh-pul-chee-a-no) grape. Enjoy at a cool room temperature with grilled meats, pasta, spicier fare and pizza.

Price: $5.99

Appearance: This wine looks very dark. Hardly earth-shattering, but I seem to remember that some red wines have a reddish hue to them, whereas this is only tinged with red along the edges, and it’s a dark red even then. Perhaps of note is that I’m looking at the wine under artificial light. Maybe wine should be looked at in natural light? Would there be a difference? The sun is bigger than the light bulb I’ve recruited, so maybe the extra light would, well, lighten the color? Since I’m writing this when it’s completely dark outside, I’ll have to stick to the single-bulb verdict of: dark, with only a hint of dark red around the fringes.

Smell: The odor of red wine is always slightly arresting to me. It’s as if my mouth is anticipating the astringent taste to come and is sending hints to my nose. Arresting, however, is about as descriptive as I can conjure up at the moment. Alkaline comes to mind, though I’m probably on the wrong side of the PH scale. Oddly enough there’s a faint image of a bee floating around a hedgerow that drifts up through my consciousness the more I smell, so maybe there might be a hint of flowers? I wouldn’t take that one to the bank.

Taste: Watery. That’s the overwhelming and, to me, most understandable, adjective that I can come up with. I’m thinking that’s maybe what I can expect when I buy the cheapest wine I can find. I’m also thinking that when people use the word “swill,” they’re describing wine like this. It also tastes harsh. There’s not much of what I would consider smoothness in this specimen. Then again, I’ve never tasted a wine I would characterize as smooth, so I won’t hold that against this contender. It burns my throat a little, like a carbonated cola might. What else? The taste, which I don’t find all that palatable, does not go away after the wine has left my mouth. Since I’m not swishing and spitting, which I believe is at least part of the correct tasting procedure, the wine goes directly to my stomach after it leaves my mouth. I’m thankful there are no taste buds in the stomach. The aftertaste is very slightly reminiscent of that taste you get when that delicious Thanksgiving feast decides to make an encore back into the mouth.

After saying all that, this is a wine I could drink a glass of every now and then. My fervent hope is that with time I learn that this wine is priced at $6 a bottle for a very good reason, and that there is a lot more to look forward to.

Tellings: I’m writing this part of the Critique after a Thanksgiving feast at my mother’s house. My father, brother, wife and daughter were there. Surprisingly we had turkey, a bold change from the more typical macaroni and cheese with fixings. It’s not that we’re poor, or even simple. It’s just that we’re not into celebrating the way that everyone else might. So after turkey, vegetables in a melted cheese sauce, mashed potatoes, carrots with butter and honey and perfectly flaky biscuits, after driving home and trying very hard not to wake a sleeping three-year old and successfully getting her to bed, and after reading a few more pages of Dan Simmons’ latest book Terror, I write these words, just as I am finishing the last drops of this Citra. I’m sure the food eaten earlier, my current mood, the howling wind outside…I’m sure these things and countless others affect how the wine looks, smells and tastes to me, but I won’t control for those ephemera. I’m just not that particular about this whole endeavor. Maybe the true connoisseur will understand the effect turkey has on wines. Maybe the true connoisseur won’t ever read this Critique.

This first review also will be the only review with the heading of “smell.” The packaging copy, which I’ve dutifully posted above, makes note of the wine’s nose. My suspicious confirmed, I’ll follow that convention. Not wishing to hide my original ignorance, I’ll leave for posterity my brief romance with “smell.”

Lastly, I made a decision to write these Critiques without the benefit of having actively read any wine reviews. I want the impressions to be mine, and mine alone. Because of this decision, I won’t follow my base instincts and immediately Google and Wiki the Montepulciano grape, the coastal Abruzzi region of Italy, or any other information crying out for more research. There’s a wealth of knowledge out there, and I’ll get to a lot of it in due time. For now, the reader and I will have to tolerate my sciolism.

The whys and wherefores

I must admit right at the start that I’m no wine critic. I’ll venture even further and reveal that I don’t even like the taste of wine. So this Critique will surely be for the ages. I wouldn’t mind, however, coming around on the taste part, and because of it might even pen some lines that look as if a connoisseur had written them. I assure you it will have been by chance, or less admirably, by tried-and-true plagiarism. The latter will be made more difficult by the mere fact that, though I fancy myself quite widely read, I’ve never read a wine critique with an eye toward remembering any part of it. Through the tasting of and writing about wines I will surely venture to some third-party reviews, but I’ll start with the vocabulary, knowledge and refinements I currently possess. My condolences, in this case, to my readers.

And who would my readers be? Me, at this point. My wife every now and then, and my daughter when she’s able to read. I figure with her I’ll get about a year of her being able to read, before she finds out that she’d rather read just about anything else. Those will be cherished moments. I’ll note that I have belatedly decided to post this on the Internet, as well, which, after the first few issues, should nearly double my readership.

Why start a wine critique, though, when I don’t even like the taste of wine? Health reasons. I’m told that resveratol is healthy, and that it’s found in copious proportions in red wine because the wine has stayed in contact with the skin of the grape for some time. Since I’m only going to drink roughly one or two glasses a day, and I’ll surely average less than that, the benefits of the resveratol will outweigh any possible health risks. Add to that the fact that I don’t drink any other alcohol, and you’ll see I’m just in it for the good stuff.

Let me talk about the format of the Critique. Since I have no sense of how a wine critique should go, I’ll be taking stabs at what I feel ought to be included. In general, I know that professional wine critics smell wine. I know they comment on how the wine looks, possibly assessing the wine’s clarity. I think they spit the wine out after they’ve tasted it, and then report on how the wine “finishes.” Writing this Critique while not being a wine drinker clearly finds me adrift in a world where not only do I not have an anchor, but I wouldn’t even know one if I saw it. Yet I’ll slog on.

Date: I include the date that I write the entry, which should correspond to roughly when I’m on the last glass of the wine. It would also allow those analytical souls among us to note the various entry dates and scoff at how long it takes me to get through a simple bottle of wine. Or be alarmed at how rapidly.

Name: Even here I’m a novice. Of all the words on a wine bottle, just what refers to the wine’s name? When does it refer to the winery? To the process? The genre? The grape, region, award? I won’t sweat details too much in this Critique, but I do want to stay safely above “idiot.” The reader will have to make that assessment.

Vintage: I’m embarrassed to say that as I started copying the name down from my first bottle, for my first Critique, I noticed a date. Glumly I remembered that small detail that those wine folks like to discuss, and decided there really should be an entry for the vintage. Glum, indeed.

Copy: Someone spent some time conjuring up flowery, suggestive words that may or may not have anything to do with the wine in question, arranged them in the most eye-pleasing manner their faculties allowed, and then plastered them on the sides of an otherwise fine-looking piece of glass art. I might as well read them. I might as well let you read them. In the process I’ll no doubt come across words that are new to me, regions that I never knew existed, and awards from contests too numerous to take seriously. You’ll see them as I do.

Price: Look, I’m cheap. I can tell you right now that I’m starting right at the bottom and working my way up. If I can’t tell the difference between cheap purple-stained water and its more expensive cousin, award-winning wine, then I’m staying at the bottom. Quite cheerfully, I might add.

Appearance: Really, I have no idea. If it looks purple, I’ll say it looks purple. Cloudy, I’ll report the same. With experience and some reading my descriptions will become less dilettantish.

Smell: Ditto. I’m sure that even the word “smell” is not used in wine circles. Maybe it’s “nose,” or something to do with olfaction. It seems I’ve much to learn.

Taste: You’ll get a description, but I wouldn’t rush out and buy based on what you read. I’ve nothing of note to compare the wine I’m straining to find a word for against. Sure, I’ve seen “peaty” and “fruity” and “round” used and abused in shocking ways. I doubt I could call anything “peaty,” though, and be close to what “peaty” is supposed to mean. Here again I’ll slog on and hope the gentle reader remains so.

Tellings: This is just a repository for any anecdotal information that might be pertinent to the wine in question. Or that might not be. Read at your own peril.

Those that do not know me well often think I come off as pretentious, know-it-all, sarcastic and generally hard to be around. It’s because I am all those things. Most of the time, however, I’m poking fun at myself. The very title, “Being a Critique of the Wine,” should be the reader’s first clue. Anyone that writes that title in earnest needs to be committed. Anyone that uses the word “critique” instead of the more appropriate “review” needs to be assigned an editor. But this is all in fun, and “critique” sounds so stuffy that I had to run with it. So please have fun, don’t let anything ruffle your feathers, and when in doubt, have mercy.